Mistakes-During-Divorce
This is a guest blog by author and journalist Jackie Pilossoph, www.jackiepilossoph.net
It’s probably the worst time in your life. You’re mourning the loss of the most serious relationship you’ve ever had in your life. You’re stressed to the hilt about finances. You’re watching your children’s lives in upheaval. And you’re trying to figure out your new life.
When I was going through my divorce, I did some really stupid things. Thankfully, nothing was too damaging, but still, there are many things I regret. Looking back, I see what I did right, and I see the mistakes I made and what I could have done better.
I’m not a therapist or a professional expert on relationships. I’m just a girl who went through a divorce. And now, I’d like to share some things I’ve seen that might help you when it comes to getting through what is perhaps the roughest period of your life. Here are the 5 biggest mistakes people make (in my opinion) when getting divorced:
1. They get their hair cut short. When going through a divorce, many people feel like they want to start fresh, make changes, and be different. Changing your hair right at the beginning is a bad way to do this. You’ll regret it. Trust me! Wait a few weeks before doing anything drastic with your hair. Do you really think you’d look good in Gwenyth Paltrow’s short hair? Jennifer Aniston’s bob? Pink’s bleached white, spiked do? Really think it through. Otherwise, you’ll have more to cry about!
2. They are rude and unfriendly to their soon-to-be ex spouse in front of the kids. Look, he’s leaving you. You hate his guts. Or maybe you were the one who decided to end things and you’re angry with him for other reasons. Whatever the case may be, when in the presence of your children, keep it to yourself! Be polite. Be kind. You don’t have to act like best friends, but if you are rude or mean and act angry towards your spouse, it is killing your kids. Think of THEM before yourself. Keep a journal and write down how much you hate your spouse. But to his face, in front of the kids, show nothing. I know it’s hard, but that’s part of divorce. Deal with it!
3. They talk about the divorce non-stop. Divorce is what’s going on in your life right now. Therefore, when you get together with friends and they say, “What’s new?” obviously you are going to talk about it. It’s okay to vent. It’s okay to cry on your girlfriend’s shoulder, and it’s okay to have an angry outburst. But try to keep these conversations to a minimum and remember that your friends have lives too. They might not be getting divorced, but they have other issues and problems in life, and you need to be a friend to them, too. Try not to be known as “the girl who won’t shut up about her divorce.”
4. They drink a lot and they drink and drive. When I was going through my divorce, my therapist told me to “watch my drinking.” She said that people going through a divorce are very susceptible to a drinking addiction. It makes sense. You’re under a tremendous amount of stress and depression. Alcohol will intensify those feelings and make you want more alcohol to try to soothe the pain. It can become a vicious cycle. Be careful! Also, don’t drink and drive! The last thing you need is a DUI or even worse, to kill someone. Those things will make your impending divorce seem like small potatoes!
5. They jump into a new relationship. I’ve seen it a million times. By the time I hear someone is getting divorced, I’m running into them at a restaurant, arm in arm and all lovey-dovey with a new guy. Ugh! I want to throw up! People! Can you be by yourself for two minutes??!! Don’t get me wrong. I hardly think getting divorced means you have to sit home by yourself and be lonely. And yes, I do believe that when you and your ex finally split, you’ve been grieving the relationship for quite some time. So, I don’t begrudge anyone for wanting to jump into the dating scene. But don’t jump into a serious relationship and certainly don’t jump back into marriage for a long time. TAKE YOUR TIME!!
Good things to do when going through a divorce:
1. Work out and eat healthy
2. Find a hobby. Figure out what you like to do for yourself.
3. Make platonic friends
4. Therapy
5. Attend church, synagogue or spiritual center.
6. Focus on your children. They need more time and attention from you.
Jackie Pilossoph is a freelance journalist for several Pioneer Press publications. She has two weekly columns and is a regular contributor to many local magazines. Pilossoph, who has a Masters Degree in Communication from Boston University, is also the author of the novels Jackpot! and Hook, Line and Sink Him. Her third novel, Free Gift With Purchase is due out this summer. To learn more and to buy her books: www.jackiepilossoph.net.
Michael C. Craven is a well-known divorce attorney in Chicago, CPA and a partner of the law firm, Beermann Pritikin Mirabelli Swerdlove LLP. (Formerly of Beermann, now a Partner at Harrison LLP) located in the Chicago area. He is highly respected among other divorce attorneys, judges and his clients. He also holds a Master of Tax Law Degree (LLM). For more information about his services, contact Michael at mcraven@harrisonheld.com or at Divorce Lawyers Chicago
