When a couple with children divorces, generally, the court imposes a parenting time agreement to ensure that the couple’s children continue to maintain substantive relationships with both parents. Maintaining healthy relationships with both parents after a divorce is important to children’s development and self-esteem. As a parent with a parenting agreement in place, it is up to you to work with your former partner to ensure that your child has this experience, rather than developing a better relationship with one parent or bearing the brunt of your negative feelings toward your former partner.
Working with your former spouse to co-parent your child effectively can be difficult. It requires patience, flexibility, and a willingness to communicate with your former spouse and other adults who are present in your child’s life, such as your former in-laws or your former spouse’s new partner. Use the following tips to guide these interactions and remember, being flexible is not the same as being a doormat. Stand up for your own interests as well and express your concerns as they arise.
Be Honest with your Child
Do not shy away from discussing your divorce with your child. Of course, give your child an age-appropriate level of detail when discussing it with him or her, but do not make your divorce a taboo topic. Your child will want answers to his or her questions and as he or she ages, these questions and their answers will become more complex. Determine how you and your former spouse will field these questions by discussing the topic together and creating guidelines for yourselves.
Be Respectful Toward your Former Partner
Even if your relationship with your former partner is toxic to the point that you cannot bear to look at him or her, do not allow this to color your relationship with your child. When speaking to or about your former partner or by extension, a member of his or her family, do so with respect. Discuss your negative feelings toward him or her with a counselor, a trusted friend, or a journal – not your child.
Do Not Feed into Drama
This ties in with the above point – always treat your former partner with respect. If your character is attacked in person, through the rumor mill, or on social media, refrain from reacting or attempting to get “revenge.” The best way to handle drama from a difficult ex is to choose not to engage in it.
Set Ground Rules, but be Flexible
Talk about the rules for your child that will apply in both households. For example, you might not allow your child to play video games until his or her homework is finished. Work with your former partner to come up with realistic rules that can work, but also be willing to be flexible with them – for example, your former spouse might think it is appropriate to suspend the aforementioned homework rule on Friday nights. Knowing how to recognize big and small issues and react to them appropriately is the foundation of effective co-parenting. .
Work with a Highland Park Divorce Attorney
As a Chicago-area divorce lawyer, I have worked with many divorced parents over the years. Forming appropriate boundaries and working with a former partner to co-parent your child is not always easy and can require guidance from an experienced divorce lawyer. Contact me today to schedule your free legal consultation.
