When a couple with children decides to divorce, one of the most stressful parts of the divorce planning process is telling their children. To a child, a divorce means a breakup of his or her family, often the only way of life he or she has ever known. But if you are a parent who has begun the divorce process, you need to discuss your divorce with your children. The level of detail they receive depends on their ages and maturity levels, but this is not an issue to hide or attempt to brush off. Plan for a series of discussions about your divorce with your child, during some of which you will feel like you are repeating information that your child has already heard. It is important that you do not talk badly about your spouse or make your child feel like he or she contributed to your decision to divorce.
Tell your Children Together
Make the announcement of your upcoming divorce a family discussion. You and your spouse should work together to tell the children that you plan to end your marriage and should both be available to answer their questions, supporting each other’s answers. If a child asks a question of a specific parent, that parent should answer the child’s question.
Support your Spouse’s Answers
Do not contradict or attempt to undermine each other during this discussion – your days of working together as a couple may be over, but you will need to continue to work together as parents for years to come. Start your co-parenting relationship with this discussion.
Answer with Honesty, but Also with Discretion
You want to be honest, but sometimes being honest means discussing a parent’s infidelity, abuse, addiction, or money issues. When a child asks questions about whether you will get back together, which parent is moving out, and whether you still love each other, answer him or her honestly. If you do not know the answer to a question, tell your child that you do not know rather than making up an answer on the spot.
But with honesty should also come discretion. Completely honest answers to questions about the reason for your divorce, whether certain individuals the child knows were involved in the decision to divorce, and more intimate details of the divorce might upset a child or cause him or her to become angry with one or both parents. Your child does not have to know everything about your divorce – this is true even for adolescents, who might be curious about exactly why you are divorcing. Prepare your answers with your spouse so you can present a united front regarding what the children will and will not know.
Work with a Highland Park Family Attorney
Talking to your child about divorce is not easy, but it is something that you have to do. For tips about how to get the discussion started, contact me. I am an experienced Illinois family attorney who can help you work through your divorce by providing quality legal advice and representation.
